Can't Complain

Sisyphus pushed carts

Declare war on the petty and the small. Stage a sit-in on the minor. Commit yourself to a hunger strike against complaining.

Existing is a bitch. Shit goes wrong. Work sucks. Family is stressful. Finding reasons to complain is easier than finding American foods containing corn. Read the wrong way, this essay is a complaint against complaining. While the ironically meta idea makes me grin, I hope you won't see it that way.

How do we defeat the gripe leviathan? My solution: never complain. 

That's it. Don't do it. Ever. It's never made anyone feel better, solved a problem, or accomplished anything. It is an absurdly unrealistic and silly ideal, but I find no support for the contrary position and am forced to exclude it from my lexicon of daily activities (I am aware of how douchey this sentence is). Let me rephrase: Why complain? What reasons are there in support of complaining? Answer that question. I submit there are none. Surely someone will answer, "It makes me feel better," I've never met a person who was happier after they finished complaining. Specifically enumerating the reasons why a particular thing sucks never helped anyone to forget about it. 

Complaining is rude. You hoist your problem onto the shoulders of your loved ones. As if their load wasn't heavy enough. The most amusing part is that your load isn't lightened. Usually, when you put your shit on someone else, you don't have to deal with it anymore. But complaining doesn't alleviate your stress. It's not a game of tag. It's HPV on a college campus. You had it and now you're giving it to everyone you care about. Don't drag everyone you care about into your mire of bullshit. Fix it or grind your teeth while you sleep. Either way, keep it to yourself. 

It keeps you from moving on. If you're in a position to be complaining about something, it's probably not immediately pressing. Chances are you're removed from the stressful situation. In that case, why the hell would you decide to rehash it? You've escaped the awful, unbearable stress of your co-workers or the incessant calls from your mother? Why relive it when you're out with your girlfriends having a good time or killing bad guys in Halo? Why taint a perfectly good moment with the memory of shit that was a bummer days ago? No one wants to hear you complain. We tolerate it, but no one has ever been in the mood to hear you gripe. 

I find no support for complaining and I am unable to endorse it at this time. If new evidence surfaces in its favor, I will happily reverse my decision. However, for the time being I cannot extend my support to complaining, bitching, whining, and moaning (sex notwithstanding). 

I publicly promise to stop complaining.