Crust

I'm twenty-seven but I still get carded. I like wearing band shirts and optimizing my iPhone. I rue the day I don't own a pair of Chucks. Working forty hours a week terrifies me. I never want kids. I play air drums while listening to my headphones. I cry at movies. I blow dry my hair. Drinking root beer is how I cut loose. I feel really uncomfortable when the top button of my shirt is undone. I've seen every episode of The Gilmore Girls. Twice. I like food plain. I read philosophy for fun. I have a system for everything. I've got a wandering eye. I'm a liar. I work the same job I got the summer I graduated high school. I don't celebrate holidays. I identify with Woody Allen and George Costanza. I tip out of guilt. I don't wake up before noon. I'll text while you're talking to me. I wear a night guard that makes me speak with a lisp. I can't watch television if the TV control panel is flipped up. As a kid I collected action figures; never took them out of their packages. I laugh loudly at inappropriate times. My mouth chews loudly. More than one person has accused me of "hating fun."

Try and love me. I dare you.