Horoscopes and Heritability

I'm of the belief that horoscopes are silly and mostly harmless trifles.  Lately a bunch of my friends have been celebrating birthdays and I started thinking about what their personalities have in common. Consider the following premises:

1. Your birthdate minus nine months roughly represents your conception date.  
2. Your conception date involves your parents having sex (an analytic truth).
3. The date of your conception gives some indication of the type of people your parents are. If nothing else, they are the type of people to have sex on such and such day.  
4. Heritability exists.

Therefore: The date of your conception, not your birth, gives a clue to your personality.

This is how astrology should work.  Your parents have the answers, not the stars.

New Year's Mistake
Imagine your birthday falls on September 1.  You are likely to be promiscuous and make frequent sexual mistakes.  How else could you explain a New Year's conception hatched under the gross stink of debauchery?

IRS Dependent
January 15 birthday (conception date: 4/15): you're a tax baby.  You'll be fiscally responsible and do well in your business undertakings.  Explanation: Your pragmatic parents coldly rationalized the cost-to-benefit ratio of producing offspring and procreated in a sterile, passionless environment.  You're a tax write-off.

V-Day Mayday
November 14 birthday?  You're the product of a Valentine's Day lovemaking frenzy.  If you thought this would make you a passionate lover, think again. Pops had to pull out all the stops to make this one happen.  It means your mother keeps her legs crossed like an iron gate.  Be prepared to either debase yourself for your relationship or use sex as a form of control.  Make your analyst appointment in the womb.

The Muck
If your birthdate falls on any of the remaining calendar days, you are destined to be an average, boring nobody. You didn't matter enough for your parents to plan your existence.  You're an aberration. A broken condom.  Forgotten birth control. A weeknight of heavy drinking. A lamentable Christmas party. Nothing about your stands out.

Nick Delehanty. Born May 24. Let's move past astrology. We don't need stars to tell us we're fucked.